if i could live one day without disappointment, that would be something.

wearing thin, not giving in.

I forgot I even had this thing. It doesn't matter much though, as I have not written in months nor have I had the inkling to do so. My life is a mess consumed by anxiety, depression, and stress. I know not how to live anymore. I drive and wish to lose control. I need to get away, right now, and never look back. I'm wearing thin, but not giving in.

i never stop bitching, do i?

three things:

1. ignorance is never, ever bliss.

2. little things always bring me down

3. everyone is a disappointment.

right

Is it really possible to neglect telling someone you love something very important? Something that will forever change both of your lives. Something that will change everything.

Apparently it is. But shouldn't bear some kind of burden on your soul? Just a little weight of guilt? Apparently not. Apparently I'm also not as loved as I would have assumed so in this situation.

no one gets the best of me

"a fallen eyelash might grant my wish

but what more could i ask for?

i have the sight of your face when i wake up

and before we fall asleep,

i hear the voice of an angel

calling me her true love.

they say the rules for fools who rush in

are the same as russian roulette

life, if you choose an empty chamber

or a bullet in the head

and you can say that you won't play

or go shoot something else instead

either way, the last thought that you think

will be the first that you forget

but lest the fear of your own life

cause you to live like you'd met death

know love while you still can, fill your lungs

let me hear your quickened breath

sing like you were suicidal

tremble atop the treble clef

to hell with this life, if without

love, let your eyes roll back to heaven

and with such ease we'll shun these needless trepidations

senses suspended as the second hand lingers

from our ocean, as we name every constellation

with the sounds that we make that escape the restraints of words

some will say it's all inside our heads

some say they've seen the light so you'll continue chasing their silhouette

so point the finger at whom you like

or raise your head and curse the sky

it makes no difference

that's why i never could decide

between you and me, girl

you know i'll never choose a side

it's just you and me, girl

just you and me

i had a debt with the devil

bet him that i could drink him under the table

with shots of holy water

jameson's and jack daniel's

and he said, as we poison our livers

let us drink unto your health

no one gets the best of me

i keep that part to myself

and if i dream so many sweet dreams

my brain burns itself a cavity

or if my posture's compromised

by more than time's IV drip gravity

i will say that i once had

while others moan they still don't have any

and i will get it all back again

in the next cycle of my depravity

cause my poverty means nothing

when death's writing its blank checks to me

and though i could drive off this cliff

or wish my name had been vasectomy

life's an accident others slow down

and vainly strain their necks to see

while i push my pedal to the ground

and fly past them all in ecstasy

yeah, some say that this life ain't the only one we get

i once claimed that i'd found myself when i'd only been chasing my own silhouette

so point the finger at whom you like

or raise your head and curse the sky

it makes no difference

that's why i never could decide

between you and me, girl

you know i'll never choose a side

it's just you and me, girl

just you and me

i could never love any other

no one could ever take your place

and we may be different people

but i give you every piece of me

so if you traded my love in search of more

someone might remain to fill up space

but there'd be nothing left

we are one"

The Velvet Teen

I honestly don't know when I've ever experienced a more brilliant composition of words, if ever. I often fall in love with words and music, mostly both at the same time. This is one of those times. It is so difficult to explain the way this makes me feel, and I know that there isn't one person who could read this or hear this and not feel something. Heart and soul. Heart and soul.

7.19.2009

I like how school doesn't start for another month and I'm already hella slacking. I need to step my game up extremely quickly and get back into the swing of things. I have a book to read for AP English as well as a packet to accompany it. I also have to go down to PSU to get my Penn State ID and purchase my text books in time for orientation. I haven't the slightest idea how I'm ever going to sleep once school starts up again. I am going to have a difficult time juggling high school, college, work, sleep, and a social life. Oh, kill me now.

7.17.2009

I often contemplate what it would be like to be someone else. I don't necessarily want to be someone else, however. I only want to think their thoughts and to feel their feelings. I want to know how they hurt and how they love. I want to experience the things that change them for better and for worse. I want to grow with them as a vine upon a house.

When I'm driving down the road or riding in someone else's car, I gaze into each passing car and observe the driver and their passengers. I wonder what their day has been like. I wonder what their life has been like. I think to myself: "Is this the best day of their life? Is this the worst?" For these questions, I wish I had answers. I wish I could stop these people and question them. Though because I cannot, I create my own ideas of these people in my mind. I give them each names and lives; failures and successes; strengths and weaknesses.

I suppose I never really realized just how much I love people until now. I spend so much time complaining about the ignorance of society and the shear lack of intelligence of the human race that I fail to also see the contrary aspects.

This must be why I want to study the subjects that I do. In the fall, along with my final year of high school classes, I will be enrolled in two college courses at Penn State; cultural anthropology and ethics. I want to know as much about people as possible, and thus far in my life I've gained a massive amount of knowledge from experience. I will continue to gain this type of knowledge for as long as I live. However, another type of knowledge is necessary and that is that which I will learn in school when I study psychology and philosophy and ethics and anthropology.